in life we're always supposed to be passionate about something right?
well, i hate him with a passion.
he continually makes me feel like shit.
i'm glad he tells me the truth but he shouldn;t feel like that in the first place.
sometimes i feel like he doesn't love me 100% or that he isn't ready for a commitment.
he always has these fantasies of doing other things and i have no yearning to do any of that.
ever since i've fallen in love with him, i have never felt the need to look at another guy.
i feel like i dont need anyone else.
he says he feels the same way, that he doesn't need anyone else.
then why don't we feel the same when i can't stand to look at another guy.

i'm finally happy.

but i have a bit of sadness too.

it's all so confusing.

how can i be happy but still feel so sad?

Current Mood: confused

something always goes wrong.
so daniel worked today.
and i watched must love dogs and it made me all squishy feeling and so i'm dressed all cute and pretty for him.
shaved my legs and got all soapy and smell cleaning. 
cleaned my room, made him rice, you know i've been having a horrible attitude and being bad so i decided to make it up to him. 
i thought we could cuddle, then finish up gears of war.
but no. hes deciding to bring his brother over and i wanted to beat gears of war with daniel. but no him and his brother are. and i dont know i guess i hate all of this. now i have to change and blow out the candles. 

blah. something always goes wrong. i'm gonna curl up and die.

it scares me to think that if i end up with daniel i will be lonely the rest of my life. =[

my mom is in the hospital and its fucking so hard to comfort myself when all i feel is pessimistic. and i know she's not gonna die but then you think about what would happen if she did. my whole fucking world would come crumpling down. and i wouldn't give a fuck about anyone. i would losy my purpose of living. 
and its like i hate daniel so much for just leaving me in the corner to die.my soul just wants to die. i'm too fucking scared to end up alone. i don't want to end up alone. i feel like even though i'll always have him he will never really be there for me. and there's time when i do get out of hand and cry and make a scene for attention but something that is true and not exaggerated, i feel so lost and scared and all he does is try to play video games and i wanted to play to get my mind off of whatever but he was so serious and mean. and its like i need to be yelled at right now. thats the least i want. and its like  iwatched a movie to get my mind off of everything but it didnt work. and so i went out for a drive but i started crying all bllistically so i had to come home just so i wouldnt kill myself and like daniel said he'd be here to comfort me but it's 15. and i don't even know what to do anymore. i want people to comfort me but its not daniel. and it just feels horrible because all i really want is his acceptance.

Current Mood: scared

he never thinks before he speaks.
what an asshole.

grrrr.
i want to rip someone in two.

i need to explode or scream or run a mile or something. i can't take being nice.

Current Mood: frustrated

when i think everyday is going to get better i just keep getting disappointed. i guess i should lower my expectations? i don't even want to go weigh myself. i was so excited about yesterday my pants are getting big on me and i lost like 3 lbs. i'm trying to get abs of steel so i can wear sexy bikinis and sexy lingerie. i probably gained like 10 lbs eating my feelings last night... 
i work today til 11pm. bummer. i wsh i could just stop showing up all together but for the first time in my life i really really need this job. i need to stop fucking around and show my managers how good i am and maybe get a raise and stay there for a while. 
there is so much stuff i hate today. and yesterday and for the past week. geez the beginning of the year satarted off good and then i dont know what happened it just kinda went down the drain. and i want it to get better but i feel like i'm buried too far. i seriously don't even care about my personal life anymore. i'm stuck. i'm going to start worrying about myself before i worry about someone else. there is like so many things i could have said to daniel last night but i didn't feel like it. and he was giving me so much lip too. i just wanted him to shut up but i didnt even tell him to shut up, it didnt even bother me to kep it inside, i didnt even feel like exploding last night. i just blocked everything and everyone out. 
i'm getting this gigantic red bump on my cheek, i either got bit by a spider or i'm breaking out in a allergic reaction. 
i'm gonna block everything and everyone out today again. thinking about my life is actually fun. it may seem like i'm having a pity party or moping, daniel is gonna ask why i'm cranky when i'm not gonna be and then he gonna keep bugging me and say, "don't lie, i know you're cranky just tell me." i'm gonna hear that 30 times in a row. bleh!  if he doesn't believe that i just want to be left alone and thinks im cranky i'm gonna turn very bitchy. but he will never know these things because he doesn't give a fuck to rad any of my journals. because quite frankly he doesn't give a fuck about me when i feel like "this"
better start getting ready for work. later kids.

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: underoath

everything that could have gone possibly wrong yesterday did.

it was our 17 month anniversary and i'd like it if he could be all romantic and sweet once out of the whole month. you know, telling me how much i mean to him and how great it's been this past year and a half. i want him to smother me in his love. cuddling, romance, just once out of the month. where he doesn't just buy me something and that's that. next month, fuck the gift, i want to spend time next to a fireplace with a blanket and some apple cider and just have sweet talk all night long. yeah how easy is that? just sitting in each other's arms and talking about how much we love each other. that's way cheaper than a gift. that's what $3 for the apple cider. sigh.

Current Mood: working

i want to hate you so bad.

Current Mood: anxious

i have vista installed on my computer.
i'm so excited.